Actions speak louder than words

imageIt’s funny how you never realize just how bad things were until you leave a situation.

I thought my marriage was fine, I didn’t realize that it wasn’t until I finally snapped out of the fog that I was in.  I sought counseling and that is when I discovered that I wasn’t in a loving marriage, I was in an emotionally abusive, one-sided relationship.

I assumed what I had was what all couples dealt with off and in during a 20+ year marriage.  My counselor told me no.  Couples that love each other, respect each other, and both fight for each other are in a partnership.  Couples where only one loves, only one respects and only one fights for them both is a relationship; and ours was a relationship that was doomed.

I constantly heard about how women were throwing themselves at my then husband. He’d come home weekly with stories about the many women he’d come in contact with at his accounts across the city, that were handing him their phone numbers or asking him out to lunches.  Yet when I worked, he forbid me from having lunch with any one of the opposite gender. I later found out that he was not getting numbers from these various women, but rather he had a self-esteem issue and made himself feel better by psyching himself up to me and making me feel jealous/not good enough/not thin enough/not pretty enough/not perfect enough for him. #inferioritycomplex

Years ago we both had MySpace accounts.  Remember how on Myspace, you could post an animated gif to someone’s wall?  I would post lovey dovey things to his wall, and he would remove them.  Like he didn’t want people to see he was linked to me romantically in any way.  I shrugged it off.  Never thought about it.  Then Stalkbook made its transition from a small college social networking place to a world wide social networking thing.  I transitioned over, and eventually so did the ex.  What he didn’t know was that I knew he had a “fake” profile already activated before he “came out” with his profile (he just changed the name from the other one to his). To my surprise, he allowed me to link my account to his by showing that we were “married” to each other.  But eventually the same thing with MySpace happened with Facebook.  I would post things to his timeline, and they’d disappear. He would never post to my wall, never drop me a note professing his love for me, so I finally just stopped.  He gave it about a year, and then decided it wasn’t for him and deleted his profile.

Flash forward to July 2015, post divorce.  He’s dating the young woman in the Philippines and has decided to “give Facebook another try”.  Shortly after, they make their relationship Facebook official by announcing that they are in a relationship.  His now fiance, constantly posts things to his timeline.  Things professing her love for him, quotes/meme’s about what a relationship is, what it takes to love someone, like respecting each other and kisses on foreheads (insert puke emoji here).

I never in a million years registered that this sort of action would hurt me to my core.  I gave him 22 years of me, 22 years of love, 22 years and 5 children later I gave him my all.  What did I get in return?  Roses on Mothers day, flowers on Valentines day with sappy cards about how he loved me, and a present on my birthday and Christmas.

He is constantly posting comments to her timeline, inside jokes and whatnot for all to see. His excuse for why he does this now and why he didn’t before when he was married to me?  “I’m on medication”.  Does Prozac really do that to you?  No, I think it really has to do with the fact that he honestly did not love me.  And that… that hurts when you realize that you were blindsided.

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